How the Golden Rule gets it wrong…
Most of us grew up learningย the infamous ๐จ๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ณ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฆ: โTreat others how you want to be treatedโ. It’s a great concept, yet we never learned perhaps an even more important rule: how to treat ourselves with compassion.โฃ
โฃSelf-compassion is essentially the inverse of the golden rule.โฃ Instead of just focusing on how we treat others, we need to learn to offer ourselves compassion as well.
Self-compassion is is about accepting our experience (aka mindfulness) AND providing ourselves with kindness and compassion because of the very real struggles of being human. โฃโฃโฃ
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And research shows that self-compassion :
– increases motivation & happinessโฃ ๐
– facilitate resilience โฃ๐ช
– reduces symptoms of anxiety and depressionโฃ ๐ง
– improves body imageโฃ
– boosts self-esteemโฃ ๐ฃ
So many of us (especially women who are socially conditioned to be caregivers) are actually really great at treating others with compassion. Weโre all about offering kindness, understanding, and encouragement to loved ones and those around us when they need it most. But how often do we offer ourselves that same type of compassion?
โฃ What would change if you treated yourself with as much compassion as you treat others with? ๐ช๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ข๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐จ๐๐๐๐ซ๐๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฌ๐๐ฆ๐ ๐ค๐ข๐ง๐๐ง๐๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐ฑ๐ญ๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ง๐๐ฌ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฒ, ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐? โฃ โฃ
Let’s do a thought experiment. Think about how you respond to a friend going through a difficult time.
Do you tell them to โsuck it upโ? โฃ โฃ Perhaps, tell them they arenโt โgood enoughโ? Would you yell at a friend and say they are stupid for making a little mistake?โฃ โฃ I doubt it. โฃ
โฃYet so many of us treat ourselves this way.โฃ We are often our own worst critics.ย We wouldn’t dare say aloud the things we tell ourselves in our head.ย โฃ
Compassion literally translates ” to suffer with”. When we really feel compassion for someone (or for ourselves), our hearts go out to them and literally ache.
Since most people are pretty good at offering compassion for others, so letโs use that strength to work on building the skill of offering compassion for ourselves. โฃ
Here’s an exercise to try:ย
Imagine a friend came to you and told you they were struggling with enter whatever you are going through right now. What advice would you give them? What kind words would you want to deliver, heart to heart?
โฃ โฃNow, can you offer that same message to yourself?โฃ
This is the practice of mindful self-compassion!
Mindful Self-compassion has 3 basic parts to it, think of it as a simple 3 ingredient recipe.ย
1. Self-kindness: Treating yourself with kindness and compassion
2. Common humanity : Understanding that it’s normal and part of the human experience to suffer at times
3. Mindfulnessย : Acknowledging and naming what you are experiencing without judgment
Let’s break these parts down.
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In order to have compassion, either for yourself or for others, you have to first recognize and notice that someone is struggling (or in this case, yourself).โฃ โฃ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต’๐ดย ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ง๐ถ๐ญ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด!โฃโฃโฃ
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Rather than ignoring your own difficult feelings, you must acknowledge that suffering. Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, without judgment. See if you can name the experience or the strongest emotion that is coming up to yourself.โฃโฃโฃ
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โฃThen, open your heart to the suffering in order to feel warmth and understanding. โฃโฃCompassion literally translates as “to suffer with”. โฃ โฃ โฃโฃโฃ
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We can offer understanding and kindness when we mess up, instead of harsh criticism. ๐ฆ๐ฒ๐น๐ณ-๐ธ๐ถ๐ป๐ฑ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ is the meaty part or the content of the self-compassion work, where we actively treat ourselves with kindness rather than pity or judgment. โฃโฃโฃโฃ
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“This is really difficult right now. What do I need in this moment to offer myself kindness?” โฃโฃโฃโฃ
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The third element of mindful self-compassion is ๐พ๐ค๐ข๐ข๐ค๐ฃ ๐๐ช๐ข๐๐ฃ๐๐ฉ๐ฎ: the understanding that making mistakes and suffering is a normal part of being human. โฃโฃโฃ
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Instead of thinking โOh poor me, why do bad things always happen to me?โ. You recognize that โSuffering is a part of being human. Itโs okay to make mistakes as Iโm humanโ.โฃ โฃ โฃโฃโฃ
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Self-compassion is about being kind towards oneself, especially when confronted with difficult experiences and personal shortcomings. Itโs about embracing the fullness of your human experience, not about striving for perfection.โฃโฃโฃ
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My personal self-compassion mantra:โฃโฃโฃ
โ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐ง๐จ๐ฎ๐ ๐ก. ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐จ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ง๐จ๐ฎ๐ ๐ก.โ โฃโฃโฃ
Things to keep in mind when practicing Self-Compassion:
- Self-compassion is the ability to be kind to yourself when you are going through a difficult time. Itโs not self-pitying or self-indulgentโitโs about being kind to yourself, especially when you fail or make a mistake!
- Self-compassion is not the same as having high self-esteem. Having high self-esteem means feeling good about your accomplishments. Self-Compassionย doesn’t mean feeling good all of the time because that would be impossible!
- In fact, self-compassion is most important when we make a mistake, feel inadequate or are suffering in some way. This is when we need to offer ourselves kindness and compassion.
Learn more about practicing self-compassion from Kristin Neff.
If you need support learning how to be more self-compassionate, schedule a consultation to work with Carrie here.